Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

stupid

Thursday, September 29, 2011

NO HABLO INGLES: WEEK FOUR IN THE NFL

So last week went okay. Including the Dallas game that I didn't have time to add into the blog (I took the 'Skins at +6 because the Cowboys are dogshit), I finished +4 last week to be at -3 overall. Diggin' outta the hole!

DET @ DAL: DET +1. This is my third year doing this, and it would appear that Dallas is the unwitting beneficiary of some strange lines. There's no way Dallas should be a favorite in a game like this - their offensive line is a wet paper towel, and Detroit's D-line is insane - but they are. My suspicion here is that lots of jackasses always take Dallas just because lots of jackasses like the Cowboys, so books adjust the lines accordingly.

NO @ JAC: NO -6.5. Do I really need to explain this one? Why would the Jags ever release David Garrard? God, I hate this team. It's just so sad to see Maurice Jones-Drew rot on such a shit team. That dude is the best.

WAS @ STL: STL +1.5. Speaking of awesome runningbacks rotting on shithole teams... hi, Steve Jackson! How's it going?


TEN @ CLE: TEN +1. Who would've ever guessed that Matt Hesselbeck could play football as long as he had an offensive line that didn't totally blow? He doesn't even need Chris Johnson! Which is good, because that dude fucking fell off a cliff this year.

BUF @ CIN: BUF -3. Wow, Cincy's only getting three points? I guess Buffalo's defense is actually that bad. But seriously, 3-0 HOLY SHIT

MIN @ KC: MIN -1.5. '11 Minnesota Vikings: Best 0-3 team ever? Maybe?


CAR @ CHI: CHI -6.5. I had no idea which way to go on this one, so I went with the Bears because their offense exists and their defense doesn't seem like a sack of shit. Analysis!

PIT @ HOU: PIT +4. I think this is the week that Pittsburgh wakes up. Even though I'm taking them in this game, I would love it if they kept their slide going. I know they technically won last week, but who'd they really beat?


ATL @ SEA: ATL -4.5. Didn't know which way to go on this game either, so I went with the team that most closely resembles an actual football team. Also - what happened to the Falcons?

NYG @ ARI: NYG -1. COORS-LIGHT-BUDWEISER-NBC LOCK OF THE WEEK!


MIA @ SD: SD -7.


DEN @ GB: GB -12.5. Wow, that's a huge spread.

NE @ OAK: NE -4. This game should be a good one to watch. Wouldn't it be nice if the Raiders were for real? Boston really needs to have the worst week ever, and the Pats losing in Oakland would cap that off nicely.

NYJ @ BAL: BAL -3.5. Don't the Jets always lose at least two games like the one they lost last week? God, Mark Sanchez fucking sucks. Seriously. He is just really, really bad.


IND @ TB: TB -10. WHY ARE THE COLTS IN SO MANY PRIMETIME GAMES ;SDNGS;DFGJNSGLKJSBSKALHBSLkgbf

Have a nice weekend!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

THIS IS GONNA FUCKING SUCK - WEEK THREE IN THE NFL

Hoo boy.

I'm sitting at a comically-bad -7 now. My GEICO-TRIPLE-A-STATE-FARM-NATIONWIDE LOCK OF THE WEEK didn't even cover. -7 in just two weeks... pretty fucking impressive. To the games!

SF @ CIN: SF +1.5. I refuse to talk about this game.

NE @ BUF: BUF +7. Buffalo will not cover this spread. This game is going to suck. Write it down - the Bills will take an early lead, and may just lead going into halftime. But they won't win. Guh. I hate fucking writing this. I should've refused to talk about this game too. NEXT.


HOU @ NO: NO -3.5. The Texans still have no defense, right? Right.

NYG @ PHI: PHI -9. Didn't even need to look to see if Michael Vick was going to play; the Giants fucking suck and Philly'll cover 9 points against them no matter who's under center.


MIA @ CLE: MIA +1. It's the Matchup Of The Vogue Sleepers That Everyone Thought Was Going To Do Okay And Maybe Even Make The Playoffs But Now They Both Kind Of Suck! It's very possible that seeing how close Miami kept it against New England was a bad thing; I am cursed to pick them in any sort of close match against a bad opponent. Miami probably won't cover. AND THAT'S HOW YOU DIG YOURSELF OUT OF A HOLE, PEOPLE.

DEN @ TEN: DEN +7. This is a definite no-play. I can't really muster up the nerve to care about this game. Also, Tim Tebow has to be the biggest bitch on the planet, right? First, he gets really famous, and then he doesn't start in the pros, and now it seems like I can't fucking see Tim Tebow on ESPN without an accompanying Tebow quote about how he thinks he should be getting more playing time, or res with the first-team, or this and that. I'm not usually one to buy into the whole "this guy is locker-room poison" thing, but this can't be a good situation for the Broncos. Fucking prima donna asshole. I hope Tim Tebow chokes. He's basically a white Vince Young (which explains the juxtaposition in how the media handles one, compared to another) with a three-pound wooden crucifix around his neck. God, I hope he falls down a manhole.

DET @ MIN: DET -3. There'll be one feel-good story this week: The Lions'll snap their 13-game losing streak in Minnesota, which is cool, because the Lions are the best. GB @ DET is going to be a helluva game.

JAC @ CAR: CAR -3.5. So long, Jack del Rio!

KC @ SD: SD -14. YEE HAW.


NYJ @ OAK: NYJ -3. SEARS-TOYOTA-BUD-LIGHT-SONY LOCK OF THE WEEK.

BAL @ STL: BAL -5.


ATL @ TB: ATL +1.


ARI @ SEA: SEA +3.5. I thought about this game for a while, and decided I couldn't count on either of these teams to go up by more than a field goal on the other. So I went with the team getting points.

GB @ CHI: GB -4. It's really strange to be able to say I'd rather have the current Bills QB under center than most of the other QBs on other teams. Here are the only other starting QBs I feel are better, right now-

Tom Brady
Phillip Rivers
Drew Brees
Aaron Rodgers
Mike Vick
Joe Flacco
Matt Schaub
Ben Roethlisberger
Tony Romo
Matt Ryan

and that's it. Some other QBs in the league are comparable in skill, but Fitz is better than a good portion of the league, and that's a fucking weird thing to say about a Bills QB.

PIT @ IND: PIT -10.5. Easy money.

The spread for the Redskins/Cowboys game isn't up yet. Enjoy the games, and I'll trying and get that game picked tomorrow.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: WEEK TWO IN THE NFL

I have a stupid paper due in my 400-level class about comedy. The class basically makes it so you understand why people laugh at jokes at a psychological level, how ideals in comedy have been the same since ancient Greece and Socrates, and that you never laugh at jokes again, because your brain has been reprogrammed to make you into a humorless academic. WHEEEE

So these are gonna be short this week. I probably shouldn't even be writing this at all - I went -3 last week - butcha gotta dig yourself outta the hole somehow, amirite?

CHI @ NO: NO -6.5.
KC @ DET: KC +9.
JAC @ NYJ: JAC + 9.5.
OAK @ BUF: BUF -4.
ARI @ WAS: WAS -3.5.
BAL @ TEN: BAL -5.5. GEICO-AAA-NATIONWIDE LOCK OF THE WEEK.
SEA @ PIT: PIT -14
GB @ CAR: GB -10
TB @ MIN: TB +2.5
CLE @ IND: CLE -1
DAL @ SF: DAL -3
HOU @ MIA: MIA +3
SD @ NE: SD +7
CIN @ DEN: DEN -3.5
PHI @ ATL: PHI -1.5
STL @ NYG: NYG -6.5

Enjoy the games, party people.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

GOD TOLD ME TO SKIN YOU ALIVE: WEEK ONE IN THE NFL

In my attempt to get things back to good here on the ol' blog, I'm gonna start doing football spreads again. I pick every NFL game against the spread (spreads provided by Pinnacle, employers of crazy people), so you can follow my picks and lose all your money, unless you followed me last season, because I ended up in plus double digits in picks. BECAUSE I'M AWESOME.

Let's do this.

NO @ GB: GB -4. Thank God both of these teams won their two respective Super Bowls. The AFC sucks. All the good teams are just unlikable front-runner fodder (Pats, Colts, Steelers). The NFC, on the other hand, is the best, because all the teams that are good right now are teams you'd actually like to see win (Packers, Saints, Falcons), and all the shit-bag NFC East teams are either coached by Andy Reid or in sharp decline. In other words, the NFC is awesome.

PIT @ BAL: PIT +1. That's a brutal week one for either team. Football Outsiders has Pittsburgh as their Super Bowl favorites because they're a solid team, a solid organization, and they have the 31st hardest schedule this season. To which I say, FUCK THAT SHIT. The Steelers are the worst. Honestly, though, this game is a no-play. This whole season might just be a no-play, because everyone just got to training camp last week and half the league'll probably be injured by the time the byes start anyways.

DET @ TB: DET +1. Who doesn't wanna see Detroit do well? This team put together a crazy front four on D, and until Matt Stafford can't be put back together by all the king's horses and all the king's men (read: week three), you can see a Super Bowl contender if you squint just right.

ATL @ CHI: ATL -2.5. I would really like to meet the person that came up with the idea to make sweaters that double as dresses. I don't know who the fuck thought that up and how they convinced girls to wear them, but they are fucking glory to behold and that person deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something.

BUF @ KC: BUF +5.5. Part of the fun of all this is that I have to take the Bills every week, because I'm a Bills fan. Why, yes, it does suck, thanks for asking! I haven't actually done the research, but I think they're actually pretty good against the spread, which is nice, because they never win any fucking games because they suck.

HALFTIME!



This week's Song You Should Download! Of The Week! is "The Number of the Beast," by Iron Maiden. I used to listen to this song really loudly while I drove through rural areas. Then I moved to Syracuse, and my car's stereo stopped working. Maybe that's just my car trying to keep me alive- to which I say, getting shot up because you rolled through the 'hood blasting Iron Maiden is totally worth it.

IND @ HOU: HOU -9. Peyton Manning is on course to miss his first career start. I wish I knew one Indy bandwagoner, because watching them get lit up like a Christmas tree week after week is something I'm very much looking forward to this season.

PHI @ STL: PHI -4.5. I actually just got back from Philadelphia. Certain parts of that city smell like shit.

CIN @ CLE: CLE -6.5. Before driving back from Philly, I preemptively drank 36 ounces of Red Bull in an effort to stay awake, because my dinner had been barley wine and a huge-ass burger with all the fixin's, and I was leaving for Syracuse at 10:30 at night. I got home at about 3:15 AM and woke up about four hours later. My heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like I was going to vomit. This happy sensation lasted all fucking day. I can only assume this is what dying feels like. I wanted nothing more than to crawl under my porch to die, but it was raining out, and my apartment doesn't have a porch anyway.

TEN @ JAC: JAC -3. Is it just me, or do a shitload of these week one matchups just blow? They were really banking on that lockout, I guess.
NYG @ WAS: NYG -3. What the fuck happened in Washington? Since I started getting paid to play Magic, I've had much less time to hear about random football shit, but I guess they unloaded McNabb, Haynesworth, and a shitload of other people. God, the Redskins suck.

CAR @ ARI: CAR +7. I thought about it for a while (more than five seconds), and I decided that both of these teams really suck, but a touchdown is a lot of points and I know that if I was watching the game, I'd rather be on the team that doesn't have to make up a deficit, because they both look incapable of doing that. Hopefully I won't be stuck watching this game, though, because it's shaping up to be the football equivalent of two rats eating each other's shit.

SEA @ SF: SEA +5.5. Pete Carroll made it out of the Wild Card round his first year back into the NFL. No God would let that happen. Pete Carroll is an asshat and I hope he chokes.

MIN @ SD: SD -9. As much as it pains me to say it, Phillip Rivers is a fucking good quarterback, probably second only to Peyton Manning for best in the league, and Peyton isn't even starting on Sunday. Last season, Rivers lit it the fuck up, and his best reciever was... Patrick Crayton? I honestly don't remember. But I've had Rivers on my fantasy team for the past two seasons and I cashed in both leagues, so... yeah. As incompetent as Norval Turner is as a head coach, Phillip Rivers is pretty damned good.

DAL @ NYJ: NYJ -4.5. My buddy Tim texted me this morning and asked for my opinion on this game. How is it not obvious? The Jets made it to the fucking AFC Championship game last season. The Cowboys have a wet napkin for an offensive line and Adrian Brody at quarterback. That said, any time the Cowboys suck is a fucking awesome time to be a football fan, lemme tell ya.

NE @ MIA: NE -7. Lots of people are predicting that Miami won't suck twelve dicks this year. I'm not sure how that works.

OAK @ DEN: DEN -3. The west coast teams, with the exception of the Chargers, are all brutally awful right now. The thing that's shitty about that is that they make you watch two games on Monday Night Football the first weekend of the season, which means the late game's usually a home game for some team on the West Coast, thanks to the time difference. And this game looks less like a football game and more like an abortion set to the commentary of Chuckie, Jaws, and Tirico. Good fucking grief. This MNF booth will go down as the worst of all time. Also, I can't wait to see what the Raiders do without Asomugha on the field.

Monday, August 29, 2011

MONDAY, AUGUST 29, 2011

So I have to start a journal. Not because I want to, but because I have to for a class. It's called "Theater of Comedy," and as far as I can tell, it's gonna be about the psychology behind jokes and what makes them funny, as well as why Will Ferrell owes his career to Socrates. Dane Cook's blood pact with Lucifer will not be covered. I asked about that specifically.

The reason for the journal is that the professor wants us to practice writing a lot, presumably because he thinks we're all mouthbreathing idiots that drink Miller Lite and eat shit off the ground. I practice writing all the fucking time. I could probably just dictate my GatheringMagic column into a spiral notebook and be done with it, but, hey, this is a good enough excuse to get to get the ol' blog goin' again, right? Right.

FireJoeMorgan.com is an old sports blog headlined by Michael Schur (@KenTremendous), better known as Mose from The Office, as well as a writer for The Office and, presently, Parks & Recreation. FJM was a sports blog that took really shitty sports articles and made fun of their idiocy line by line. I've FJMed lots of things for the amusement of my friends - shitty Magic articles, Facebook notes written by dipshits I graduated with - before I even knew what FJM was. I like the format.

Since I get to write about whatever I want, I'm gonna "FJM" this really dumb thing I read on Gizmodo today. Here goes!

Earlier this month, I came home drunk and made an OKCupid profile.

Earlier this month, I was thinking of a shitty excuse for my two-year old OKCupid profile. This is the best I could do. Sorry, reader!

Two weeks into my online dating experiment,

Excuse my calculated detachment; I'm very insecure.

OKCupid had beaten me down. It was like the online equivalent to hanging out alone in a dark, date-rapey bar.

Trust me on that. I frequent a lot of them - I know when I'm in one.

Every time I signed on, I was hit by a barrage of creepy messages. "Dem gurl u so foine, iwud lik veru much for me nd u to marry n procreate." Or "your legs do look strong."

And I thought to myself, "guys with no game whatsoever use online dating dating services? WHAT THE WHAT"

I gulped my beer and thought about Magic, that strategic collectible card game involving wizards and spells and other detailed geekery.

But blogging (poorly) for Gizmodo? Not geekery, you guys.

But before I could dig deeper, we had to go. Jon had bought us tickets for a one-man show based on serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer's life story. It was not a particularly romantic evening.

Okay, time out. No jokes for a minute. Not only is taking a lady to a one-man show about Jeffrey Dahmer an impressively bold move, it's also a brilliant barometer with which to find out if the lady you're taking out is at all close-minded, stuck up, or superficial. You're not gonna get a good idea of that in one evening out if you take her to see Bridesmaids.

The next day, I Googled my date and a wealth of information flooded into my browser. A Wikipedia page! Competition videos! Fanboy forums comparing him to Chuck Norris!"

Success the likes of which I'll never know!

This guy isn't just some professional who dabbled in card games at a tender age.

He's not?

He's Jon motherfucking Finkel, the man who is so widely revered in the game of Magic that he's been immortalized in his own playing card.

I bet with all this reverence talk, you're expecting a change of heart on the author's part, or at least some respect despite an initial lack of understanding, aren't you? WHOOPS!

Also, he didn't get his own card because he was revered, it was because he won an invitational tournament. I realize this is splitting hairs, but all you had to do was read the fucking Wikipedia article you linked us to you fucking hack.

Just like you're obligated to mention you're divorced or have a kid in your online profile, shouldn't someone also be required to disclose any indisputably geeky world championship titles?

And while we're at it, can't we just make a Known Magic Player Registry, or just fucking round up these Magic guys and put them all on trains? WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE SHALLOW WOMEN??

But maybe it was a long time ago?

JESUS CHRIST DID YOU EVEN READ THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE OR NOT IT WAS IN FUCKING 2000 FOR FUCK'S SAKE

At dinner I got down to it. Did he still play? "Yes." Strike one.

I said "strike one" aloud. I assumed that since he was Magic Cards World Champion, he would have no idea was baseball was or what I was talking about.

How often? "I'm preparing for a tournament this weekend." Strike two.

Sorry, Jon, but Horrible Bosses is opening this weekend, and, uh, hello, I'd really like to see it. WRONG ANSWER, MR. SHADOWMAGE.

Who did he hang out with? "I've met all my best friends through Magic." Strike three.

Wait, you mean you still hang out with people that share your interests? But you all play Magic! There's no way any of you can have any redeeming qualities. STRIKE THREE. STRIKE THREE FOR THE LOT OF YOU.

I smiled and nodded and listened.

That's only because he started waving a piece of tin foil in front of my face. What's a girl to do?

Eventually I even felt a little bit bad that I didn't know shit about the game.

But not bad enough to stop me from writing this piece of shit!

This is what happens, I thought, when you leave things out of your profile.

Perfectly nice guys go on dates with a horrible chore of a woman. DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY? Don't leave shit out of your online profiles! And if you happen to do so by accident, just tell 'em you were drunk when you made it a week ago!

I later found out that Jon infiltrated his way into OKCupid dates with at least two other people I sort of know, including one of my coworkers.

Jon had the audacity to go on dates with other people! I asked them for their thoughts on Jon's dorkiness, but they never returned my calls because I'm awful.

Mothers, warn your daughters!

Be emotionally unavailable, if you can! That way, they'll grow up to be just like me!

Maybe I'm an OKCupid asshole for calling it that way.

Maybe?

Maybe I'm shallow for not being able to see past Jon's world title.

Maybe I'm still alone because I'm superficial and insecure. Maybe it annoys readers when I blow off guys like this and wonder why I can't find a man. Maybe I said this OKCupid thing was just an experiment because admitting otherwise would shatter my already glass-fragile self-esteem. Maybe I can't read! WHEEEE

But there's a larger point here: That judging people on shallow stuff is human nature; one person's Magic is another person's fingernail biting, or sports obsession, or verbal tic.

So it's okay that I judged the shit outta this guy and put him on blast for the entire internet to see - It's what everybody does! Right? Am I right?

There's no snapshot in the world that can account for our snap judgments.

But the same thing that accounts for that shitty play on words also accounts for this entire mind dump: laziness.